Sometimes I wish I could be 8 again waltzing around my house in my communion dress pretending to be a princess and bossing my dad around like he's my servant. I wish I could be 10 again and be telling my mam I want to be a teacher or when I told my dad I would marry him and if I married someone else my husband would have to pay him for me. Safe to say I was a strange kid but now I'm 19 I think I'm much stranger.
For awhile, 2 years to be exact. My heads been wrecked from the constant naggin of my conscious telling me I hate what I'm doing in college and asking myself what do I want to do. All I've heard since I picked my leaving cert subjects was "I don't know why you didn't just pick business", "look at your sister she's doing so well". yeah ok, my sister is doing amazing and I couldn't be any more proud of her, but when you get compared to her it just adds more stress. I can now say there naggin has worked because I've just been excepted to a business course next September... the interview was me telling them how well my sister is doing.
After two years off doing a journalism course, I can finally tick it off on my endless list that it is not even close to what I would like to do. The more I stress about this the more my future and career seems extremely far away, I would rather be buried alive then do another year in journalism, but I don't actually know what I want to do. I've been asked thousands maybe millions of times, and I people look at me like i'm the 3 headed dog out of Harry Potter because all I say is I don't know. What they don't understand is that I actually do not know. I'm not going to lie, a lot of the time I wish somebody would tell me what to do and I just done it and liked it. Wouldn't life just be so simple?
I recently have read Mark Manson's article "7 strange questions that help you find your life purpose." If your feeling anything like me I would give it a read it really gives you that umph that you need, but unfortunately it doesn't tell you exactly what your purpose is, I hoped for that too. Maybe even try answer the questions for yourself and when I say try you will really have to try. I'm still trying to think of my answer for the first one, and I read it a week ago.
I don't know if it's just me that has this persistent desperate cry inside. I'm in such a rush to find my career path that I'm putting myself down with the stress off worrying about not being successful in the future. But maybe because I know I want to be successful it will come eventually. I pursuit a lot of things, but for some reason I feel stuck in the reality of the day to day monotony that seems to deplete any lingering hope for these pursuits I so crave.
My fear is that I will keep pressing on in the things I don't feel that are adding up to something greater. But then again "The best has yet to come".
xo CJ