So here I am.. Writing
to you all to say something you probably don’t want to here
or read, because I more than likely make you look at everything that is wrong
with your life more than what’s good, but then again I don’t blog to impress I do to express. How cliché of me.
I finished my first year of college 3 weeks ago with one exam and plenty of assignments. You could say I was lucky. I am more than glad to be finished but looking into the coming months of endless free time and no activities to fill them, id go back to college with a blink of an eye.
I finished my first year of college 3 weeks ago with one exam and plenty of assignments. You could say I was lucky. I am more than glad to be finished but looking into the coming months of endless free time and no activities to fill them, id go back to college with a blink of an eye.
In the last 3
weeks I have worked 2 days a week. That would be my promotional job and then
doing my usually Sunday shift at Oscar Taylors. I keep pushing it off saying “I’ll be fine I’ll just try
look for a job in the mean time”.
Since I’ve been 17 I’ve had one shift a week and that was my pocket money, I made less then 50 euro and I spent it on whenever I had planned that weekend. Most of the time it went on my night out to the blacker where I drank until I forgot my name, and yes I could do that with less then 50 euro.
Since I’ve been 17 I’ve had one shift a week and that was my pocket money, I made less then 50 euro and I spent it on whenever I had planned that weekend. Most of the time it went on my night out to the blacker where I drank until I forgot my name, and yes I could do that with less then 50 euro.
Now I’m turning 19 in just less than a month and its just not enough anymore. Most of my friends have full time jobs or part time, some have boyfriends and then the others are doing there leaving.
The days I don’t work which is everyday other then sunday and then the odd promotional job. I go to bed real early but social media takes over and I could be scrolling, liking, commenting, reposting, and sharing until more or less 3 in the morning. This is a continued cycle because I wont get out bed until 1 or 2 the next day. The reason behind this is because I have nothing to get me out of bed. I have tried to go the gym because it gets me out the house but I go the gym by myself and workout with other people I don’t know so your practically still by yourself. Not having a job or college to go to is slowly turning me feral. I have no sleep schedule, I rummage through the kitchen like a rat and I forget how important it is that I need deodorant.
The whole point of me writing this is because well I want people to notice how easy it is to feel lonely and depressed, or feel down just because there sitting In there own thoughts 24 hours a day 5/6 days a week. I want you all to realise how important it is to actually have a job and be independent.
The last week I’ve noticed my behaviour and I thought to myself I need to do something before this gets any worse, I need a get up a go. A big rush of positivity flew through me and I applied for jobs and then the next day I got over 4 emails to say I didn’t reach the criteria. i sulked for an hour and then decided it would be good to go back dancing.
Thursday was great, I seen all the girls and I loved it so much, but its so hard to go do something you don’t find yourself good at. We had open circle this is just where you play music and if anyone would like to go in and dance you could, I would of loved to go inside that circle and give it my all but there was my voice in my head saying ‘everyone in this room is so much better than you, are you actually just going to make a show of yourself?’ I think you can guess, I never got into the circle.
I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t feel like I’m good at anything.
There are a lot of
things id like to be good at. What I would do to be an amazing dancer but I’m not. What I’d do to actually love college, but i don't.
I find it so hard to not find myself being jealous of people for their confidence and how they’re so good at things but yet they don’t even work at it. How things are just handed to them while they glide on through life, where as I’d have to work my little arse off to even just get noticed. Then they waste it and don’t care.
I don’t know if it’s just me that has this persistent desperate cry inside. Its like I feel stuck where I’m at now for the rest of my life. I pursuit a lot of things, like one day I hope to travel the world,or even as small as owning my own car but for some reason I feel stuck in the reality of the day to day monotony that seems to deplete any lingering hope for these pursuits I so crave.
I will apologise for my extreme lack of positivity in this post it’s not like I don’t enjoy my life, I really do. I enjoy being able to finish 3 books in two days and when that gets taking away from me I will miss it but reading 3 books in 2 days in my eyes is unhealthy.
God has blessed me with beyond what I could imagine or deserve. But my fear is that I will keep pressing on in the things I don’t feel that are adding up to something greater. All I know is my gifts that god have given me I haven’t figured out yet, and hopefully I soon will because "The best has yet to come."
XOXO
CJ