I've been going to the gym the past 2 years now and my progress went up and down from being absolutely disgusted with anything to with it from loving it to back to square one again.
The other night, after I had come home from the gym. I thought a lot about why I was there, why I had gone so late and why I had all the energy in the world. It was because I wasn't thinking about how my ass looked when I turned a certain way or whether my arms looked pumped. It was the first workout I've had in a long time where it was therapeutic.
As a female, my appetite comes and goes. I could go from eating 1 meal a day or wanting 7 meals. I will never be a person who will order 3 takeaways in one week because that's not who I am. I also never wanted to be the person who's afraid to eat a chicken wing, But now I am that person.
Considering social media is the be all and end all of our lives. We constantly think people care but really nobody gives a shit. For as long as I can remember I have looked at women with bodies out of this world and even looked at men with big muscles. While I am scrolling and pausing, a hint of jealousy will appear because men get toned quicker or these women seem like they have much more time on their hands.
I have come to the realisation that I might look up to these people and be inspired by these people but really they're the exact same as me and you. Constantly looking for something else to change on their body. We don't know what they're thinking. We don't know what they see in the mirror. Social media portrays a lovely picture but how many of pictures are what they seem.
I understand people have a job in the gym and I also know people work Monday - Friday 9 - 5 but don't know what socialising is. Their social life is the gym. To me, this is not a realistic lifestyle. For me to see these people everywhere I go upsets me because I feel like if I don't prep for a competition I will never have a six-pack or my arms will never be toned.
I don't have any hatred towards people who compete I actually envy them. I can't imagine how difficult it is. Sometimes I think about doing it but I know mentally it would never do me any favors.
Last summer Flyefit in Coolock opened, within walking distance from my house. I worked in retail letting me think I had all the time in the world. I went twice a day nearly every day. As you can imagine this did effect my social life and seeing the people that mattered the most. This was the time I was going on a 7 day holiday to Ibiza and wanted to look as good as I could. Looking back, I think I looked fairly good. Back then I pointed everything I wanted to change.
I thought me going to the gym twice a day was a waste. My friends were consuming so much food, the food I was most afraid to eat. I ate it anyway because I didn't want them noticing what was going on in my head. There were times where I would feel so shit I thought about going up to the apartment to do a workout.
I got addicted and obsessed trying to have a healthy body, but is your body healthy if your mind isn't?
When I came home from Ibiza I had met somebody that is very close to my heart, I started a Monday - Friday job. The gym went up in flames, I was a little puffy from Ibiza, which was just more water weight than anything. I was obviously not happy about this but I didn't have it in me anymore. I wasn't happy with how I looked but I had no strength to go to the gym. I crashed.
I have realised that I go to the gym to forget about everyday things and for me, like most people, it's a release from every worry or unfortunate thing that might be going on in my life. There are times where my anxiety could be so overpowering I would be crying in the toilets as I should have stayed home.
Last few months my anxiety was horrific. Stepping into the gym on my own was like my worse nightmare even if I've done it a thousand times over. I would be sweating before I even worked out. I would only go if someone went with me. I had no initiative and would only do what they wanted to do. It was like I was stepping into the gym for the very first time. I haven't fully overcome my anxiety but I'm enjoying myself more than ever because I don't go to the gym because I want my body to look good or because I ate a biscuit that morning. I go because the gym is my safe place. it's where everything becomes positive and there's never a day you would come out in a bad mood.
When you're constantly surrounded by this healthy lifestyle at home and in the outside world it all gets caught up in your head. sometimes we do need to take a step back and remember why we started and where. I think it's ok to go the gym and come home and have a piece of chocolate. I also think its ok to never eat anything bad again. This is my lifestyle and even though I know it's wrong to worry about only going the gym 3 days a week. I think because of who i am that will always be one of my worrries but i also need to stop myself sometimes.
Stop myself, to enjoy the process and not worry about it.
xoxo
CJ
